Pain and Realisations: A reflection on 2K16

Kylie Jenner said it best, 2016 is the year of realising stuff and stuff I did realise. However, the most important thing I realised was the power of pain. Pain was a humbling constant in 2016. It saw me through some major adulting in relationships, both romantic and platonic. Pain was a companion, a medium, a reminder that I was very much human. As I was having painful experiences, I was evolving and growing. I have always thought that pain is an unfortunate part of life but now I feel it is necessary.

When it came to men, I had my fair share of painful encounters. I was too trusting, too naïve and too open. It takes a lot to be candid about these experiences but as I lay in bed with Hozier blasting through my headphones haunting me with his rendition of Do I wanna know?, I realised that I was really hurting. My mind raced through the numerous men I had trusted too quickly or opened myself up to. I recounted the numbers I had deleted, watsapp profiles I had blocked and Instagram pages I had unfollowed. I asked myself, was it a flaw that I tend to see the good in people? How can I be more emotionally guarded? How do I protect my heart? What warning signs am I missing? Maybe I should just give up on men come 2017?

The realisations didn’t stop there, in my personal friendships and family relationships I also went through some major adulting. In 2016 I hurt a lot of people. I made selfish decisions, which surprised even myself and resulted in the breakdown of close relationships as a result for a long time I was reeling in regret and thoughts of what ifs? However, in the healing process, I realised that adding layers to my pain wouldn’t change the situation. I became fed up with the constant shaming and decided to move on. I turned my disappointment in myself into plans of rebuilding failing relationships, strengthening stable ones and eliminating unnecessary ones. The pain I experienced demanded that I love myself a little, and reminded me that I am not my mistakes.

But all things considered, 2016 was a psychological eye-opener that made me question where I placed my mental health. My anxiety peaked in what was the tensest summer, contributing to my cystic acne and quite a bit of weight loss. I was constantly on edge, questioning my worth in every sense. Now I have always had the lifelong issue of feeling inadequate but this year it was so heightened and uncontrollable. I realised that this beautiful Black girl really didn’t love herself. I preach self-care and swear by Audre Lorde’s writing on it, however it wasn’t translating in how I approached my mental health. The only solution was emotional selfishness, I simply had to eliminate toxicity in my relationships by avoiding those triggers. The triggers that showed that I was overworking and overthinking myself.

So what’s the picture looking like for 2017? Well I

don’t know to be quite honest. I am not in the business of making resolutions because of the extra pressure they carry. However I do have one overarching goal, I will do me. In the sense that I will hold onto my self-worth, prioritise myself where necessary and start enjoying my company again. Get to know myself more and be comfortable with what new mysteries I uncover.

Here’s to 2017, the year of crawling back to myself.

Image courtesy of Saatchi Art.

#mentalhealth #relationships #wellness #pain #reflections #growth #blackexperience #newyear #dashikiandmomjeans